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  • TNT's Chris Webber receives 2016's Most Muted Announcer award from the US Basketball Fans Association. "It was pointless to wait until the end of the season," saus USBFA spokesman.
  • Pebble Beach awash with rumors Phil Mickelson may be a Democrat. “We’ll get to the bottom of this,” said Tour Commissioner Tim Finchem in terse statement.
  • Houston Rockets withdraw guest mascot offer to Ted Cruz. "Some executives were concerned he'd scare younger fans," says source.
  • Leapfrogging Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones, Ted Cruz pulls ahead in Texas's 2016 Delusional Narcissist of the Year contest.
  • Mercedes driver who totaled Gov Pat McCrory's car after Super Bowl praised for raising state's spirits after Carolina Super Bowl loss.
  • Papa John's "cheap shitty pizza a disgrace to America," says Al-Jazerra TV responding to criticism from the pie company's spokesman Peyton Manning.
  • Donald J. Trump calls for MMA cage fighting to replace baseball as US's National Pastime. "It's as vulgar and ugly as I am," praised the former reality TV star.
  • Goodyear has offered Chris Christie $1 million for digital naming rights to the NJ governor's stomach. "Blimp them," said Christie.
  • Irate Papa John's exec Peyton Manning denies chain adds HGH to pizzas: "Total garbage. Everyone knows that stuff makes you nauseous."
  • Heard any good rumors?
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