Venus Williams will wear a Lady Gaga original bloody meat dress for her semi-final match against Kim Clijsters. "Say what you will, but it doesn't ride up on you," said Williams.
Commenting on the windy conditions at the U.S. Open, Maria Sharapova, who was eliminated in the 4th round: "New York blows."
U.S. Open officials are reportedly set to relocate the iconic tennis championship to Barcelona. "It'll save on travel," said a USTA spokesman.
An eTrueSports audit has revealed that Tiger Woods' $750 million divorce settlement would pay for the adult male population of Lomita, CA (8,000) to each have a weekly escort service visit ($300/night) for the next six years.
After a rousing speech by Roger Clemens proclaiming his innocence to felony charges for lying to Congress, supporters in Katy, TX reported a flock of flying pigs rose from a nearby tree, circled the crowd and flew off into the sunset.
"However, this is a wakeup call," said Clemens after his perjury indictment. "I'm going to look closely at my lying."
Politico is reporting that former GOP House Majority Leader and fellow Texan Tom DeLay will advise Clemens, pro-bono, on how to employ smirking sanctimony to deny wrongdoing at his upcoming trial.
"We have enough potty-mouthed motherf..kers in the NFL," said NBC analyst Tony Dungy in blasting Jets' coach Rex Ryan for hiring former Jet Blue flight attendant Steven Slater as an Assistant Food Services Coach.
Responding to a tidal flow of fan protests over the "boring and stupid" New Meadowlands Stadium name, New Jersey officials announced the facility will be called "East Rutherford Just Off The Jersey Turnpike Field."
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