The Chris Simmons "Inner-View": Jose Canseco

Apr 8, 2008 10:33 AM | Chris Simmons

Man, I’m disappointed. I grew up on “60 Minutes” and “Nightline”, relied on these shows to get to the heart of any issues they tackled, and especially when newsmakers were interviewed, I just knew they were gonna get grilled. But after that bullshit Clemens interview on “60 Minutes” and Jose Canseco’s on “Nightline”, I knew I had to go to work. If I ever had a chance to find out what I really wanted to find out, I had to do my own “Inner-View”.

Clemens ain’t talking. Finally, Roger’s being smart. Luckily for me, though, Jose has never been and never will be confused for a Mensa member.

CHRIS SIMMONS: What’s up, Jose?

JOSE CANSECO: Chris! What’s up, bro! Thanks for the pub for my new book, VINDICATED. It’s shooting up the charts, and—

CS: Slow your roll, Jose. I’m not asking you “what’s up” like we boys and whatnot. Let me clarify for your dumb ass. What’s up with you?

JC: What you talking about?

CS: Why the second book? Ain’t it enough, Jose, that you threw all those ballplayers, your brothers, under the bus with that first book? For that matter, why the first book!

JC: As you and the world now know, JUICED was the tip of the iceberg, bro! And VINDICATED, that’s like, the piece of the iceberg right underneath that first piece. And that’s why I’m working on the third book right now; there’s a lot more iceberg to get to, bro!

CS: Stop talking about books! Like your over-swollen ass even cracked open a book before you “wrote” one. Seriously, the only reason you came out with this book was because you didn’t make money off the first one, you broke, IRS-owing, no back-alimony paying, shrunken-gonad mo-fo!

JC: Hey, bro...I’m rockin’ grapefruits down there!

CS: Wow, you’re one for four. Even your dumb ass gotta know that’s not a great batting average for your life.

JC: What the hell is this, bro? Pick on Jose Canseco Day? I don’t need this shit...

CS: Of course you do, you male attention ho! Sit back down. I got some real questions for your ass. Question One: What’s the bug up your ass about A-Rod?

JC: No bug, bro. I’m all about the integrity of the game these days, Chris. And personal truth. Oprah taught me that.

CS: Oprah? When did your pock-marked ass ever meet Oprah?

JC: Um, I never said I met her. I just watch her a lot on TV. I, uh, spend a lot of time at home these days. But, I transgress. Back to A-Rod. He ain’t who he says he is.

CS: That’s “digress”, you bestselling author, you. As for your mad-on for A-Rod...who cares? This is baseball. You think you were fooling us as we watched your dumb ass blow up from the juice? You think we didn’t notice McGwire and Sosa when they blew up back in the day? We just didn’t care. They were entertaining the hell out of us. They shook us out of our boredom with all those dingers, dude. But Jose, here’s the bitch of it from our perspective: They smiled at us. They were making history and having fun. In short, we LIKED them. We HATED you.

JC: Um...what are you trying to say, bro?

CS: There’s that razor-sharp intelligence again. Back to this thing with A-Rod. You gotta make me understand why you keep dropping his name when all you have on the guy is that you allegedly introduced him to some dude, whose name you won’t really reveal, who may or may not be a steroids dealer.

JC: All in time, bro, all in time...

CS: Damn, you really thick! You don’t have anything on A-Rod! You throwing his name out there just like you did with all them other dudes in the first book, hoping your ass gets lucky just like you did with them other dudes. You’re banking this new book on the hope that there’s pictures out there of A-Rod with a needle jabbed in his ass. Now, it could come out down the line that A-Rod may be on the juice, or it could be that dude is really just naturally swoll like that. Either way, Jose, guess what? We as baseball fans ain’t gonna care what A-Rod did or didn’t do to get big and hit all those homers. Why? We. LIKE. Him. Or at least, we like him way more than we’ll ever like Barry Bonds. Oh, and there’s just one more thing...We. HATE. You.

JC: Yeah, bro? Then why did you track me down for this here “Inner-View”, bro? Just to make fun of me, huh bro?

CS: Jose, I take back what I said about your being thick. Let me let you get back to your literary pursuits. Have a good one!

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Reader Responses

Apr 9, 2008 3:29 AM

lucid eye

Apparently everybody that works - and I use that term loosely - at eUnTrueSports feels the need to pound on poor Jose. I hope he finds one of you and squeezes your head like a grape.

Play Ball with Stop-Motion

Elvis Sings The Bunker Blues

An eTrueSports audit has revealed that Tiger Woods' $750 million divorce settlement would pay for the adult male population of Lomita, CA (8,000) to each have a weekly escort service visit ($300/night) for the next six years.

After a rousing speech by Roger Clemens proclaiming his innocence to felony charges for lying to Congress, supporters in Katy, TX reported a flock of flying pigs rose from a nearby tree, circled the crowd and flew off into the sunset.

"However, this is a wakeup call," said Clemens after his perjury indictment. "I'm going to look closely at my lying."

Politico is reporting that former GOP House Majority Leader and fellow Texan Tom DeLay will advise Clemens, pro-bono, on how to employ smirking sanctimony to deny wrongdoing at his upcoming trial.

"We have enough potty-mouthed motherf..kers in the NFL," said NBC analyst Tony Dungy in blasting Jets' coach Rex Ryan for hiring former Jet Blue flight attendant Steven Slater as an Assistant Food Services Coach.

Responding to a tidal flow of fan protests over the "boring and stupid" New Meadowlands Stadium name, New Jersey officials announced the facility will be called "East Rutherford Just Off The Jersey Turnpike Field."

"It has nothing to do with Brad personally," commented Brett Favre about reports of a rift with Minnesota Viking's coach Brad Childress. "I just don't trust anyone who's bald and wears glasses."

World Extreme Cagefighting has applied to the International Olympic Committee to add cagefighting as an official event for the 2012 games in London.

"If he'd been my mother-in-law, none of this would have happened," said Francisco Rodriguez about the incident which resulted in his arrest for assaulting his father-in-law at Citi Field ... and a season-ending injury.

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Email the publisher!

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<< Back The Chris Simmons "Inner-View": Jose Canseco Apr 8, 2008 10:33 AM \| Chris Simmons Man, I’m disappointed. I grew up on “60 Minutes” and “Nightline”, relied on these shows to get to the heart of any issues they tackled, and especially when newsmakers were interviewed, I just knew they were gonna get grilled. But after that bullshit Clemens interview on “60 Minutes” and Jose Canseco’s on “Nightline”, I knew I had to go to work. If I ever had a chance to find out what I really wanted to find out, I had to do my own “Inner-View”. Clemens ain’t talking. Finally, Roger’s being smart. Luckily for me, though, Jose has never been and never will be confused for a Mensa member. CHRIS SIMMONS: What’s up, Jose? JOSE CANSECO: Chris! What’s up, bro! Thanks for the pub for my new book, VINDICATED. It’s shooting up the charts, and— CS: Slow your roll, Jose. I’m not asking you “what’s up” like we boys and whatnot. Let me clarify for your dumb ass. What’s up with you? JC: What you talking about? CS: Why the second book? Ain’t it enough, Jose, that you threw all those ballplayers, your brothers, under the bus with that first book? For that matter, why the first book! JC: As you and the world now know, JUICED was the tip of the iceberg, bro! And VINDICATED, that’s like, the piece of the iceberg right underneath that first piece. And that’s why I’m working on the third book right now; there’s a lot more iceberg to get to, bro! CS: Stop talking about books! Like your over-swollen ass even cracked open a book before you “wrote” one. Seriously, the only reason you came out with this book was because you didn’t make money off the first one, you broke, IRS-owing, no back-alimony paying, shrunken-gonad mo-fo! JC: Hey, bro...I’m rockin’ grapefruits down there! CS: Wow, you’re one for four. Even your dumb ass gotta know that’s not a great batting average for your life. JC: What the hell is this, bro? Pick on Jose Canseco Day? I don’t need this shit... CS: Of course you do, you male attention ho! Sit back down. I got some real questions for your ass. Question One: What’s the bug up your ass about A-Rod? JC: No bug, bro. I’m all about the integrity of the game these days, Chris. And personal truth. Oprah taught me that. CS: Oprah? When did your pock-marked ass ever meet Oprah? JC: Um, I never said I met her. I just watch her a lot on TV. I, uh, spend a lot of time at home these days. But, I transgress. Back to A-Rod. He ain’t who he says he is. CS: That’s “digress”, you bestselling author, you. As for your mad-on for A-Rod...who cares? This is baseball. You think you were fooling us as we watched your dumb ass blow up from the juice? You think we didn’t notice McGwire and Sosa when they blew up back in the day? We just didn’t care. They were entertaining the hell out of us. They shook us out of our boredom with all those dingers, dude. But Jose, here’s the bitch of it from our perspective: They smiled at us. They were making history and having fun. In short, we LIKED them. We HATED you. JC: Um...what are you trying to say, bro? CS: There’s that razor-sharp intelligence again. Back to this thing with A-Rod. You gotta make me understand why you keep dropping his name when all you have on the guy is that you allegedly introduced him to some dude, whose name you won’t really reveal, who may or may not be a steroids dealer. JC: All in time, bro, all in time... CS: Damn, you really thick! You don’t have anything on A-Rod! You throwing his name out there just like you did with all them other dudes in the first book, hoping your ass gets lucky just like you did with them other dudes. You’re banking this new book on the hope that there’s pictures out there of A-Rod with a needle jabbed in his ass. Now, it could come out down the line that A-Rod may be on the juice, or it could be that dude is really just naturally swoll like that. Either way, Jose, guess what? We as baseball fans ain’t gonna care what A-Rod did or didn’t do to get big and hit all those homers. Why? We. LIKE. Him. Or at least, we like him way more than we’ll ever like Barry Bonds. Oh, and there’s just one more thing...We. HATE. You. JC: Yeah, bro? Then why did you track me down for this here “Inner-View”, bro? Just to make fun of me, huh bro? CS: Jose, I take back what I said about your being thick. Let me let you get back to your literary pursuits. Have a good one! << Back Respond to this column \| Email this column to a friend Reader Responses Apr 9, 2008 3:29 AM lucid eye Apparently everybody that works - and I use that term loosely - at eUnTrueSports feels the need to pound on poor Jose. I hope he finds one of you and squeezes your head like a grape. Play Ball with Stop-Motion Elvis Sings The Bunker Blues An eTrueSports audit has revealed that Tiger Woods' $750 million divorce settlement would pay for the adult male population of Lomita, CA (8,000) to each have a weekly escort service visit ($300/night) for the next six years. After a rousing speech by Roger Clemens proclaiming his innocence to felony charges for lying to Congress, supporters in Katy, TX reported a flock of flying pigs rose from a nearby tree, circled the crowd and flew off into the sunset. "However, this is a wakeup call," said Clemens after his perjury indictment. "I'm going to look closely at my lying." Politico is reporting that former GOP House Majority Leader and fellow Texan Tom DeLay will advise Clemens, pro-bono, on how to employ smirking sanctimony to deny wrongdoing at his upcoming trial. "We have enough potty-mouthed motherf..kers in the NFL," said NBC analyst Tony Dungy in blasting Jets' coach Rex Ryan for hiring former Jet Blue flight attendant Steven Slater as an Assistant Food Services Coach. Responding to a tidal flow of fan protests over the "boring and stupid" New Meadowlands Stadium name, New Jersey officials announced the facility will be called "East Rutherford Just Off The Jersey Turnpike Field." "It has nothing to do with Brad personally," commented Brett Favre about reports of a rift with Minnesota Viking's coach Brad Childress. "I just don't trust anyone who's bald and wears glasses." World Extreme Cagefighting has applied to the International Olympic Committee to add cagefighting as an official event for the 2012 games in London. "If he'd been my mother-in-law, none of this would have happened," said Francisco Rodriguez about the incident which resulted in his arrest for assaulting his father-in-law at Citi Field ... and a season-ending injury. Heard any good rumors? Email the publisher! eTrueSports Columnist Frank Coffey Top Eleven NHL Marketing Suggestions For The PGA eTrueSports Columnist Thomas Dolt Kobe Bryant's iPod Playlist eTrueSports Columnist Downs MacRury The Boras Files eTrueSports Columnist Ray Dougela Golf The Way It Oughta Be eTrueSports Columnist Burke Terry Baseball’s All-Time Business Name Team eTrueSports Columnist Chris Simmons The Chris Simmons "Inner-View": Jose Canseco eTrueSports Columnist Bookie Mom The N.B.A. – A League of Corruption Just a Phone Call Away Most Popular Stories A-Rod Says "Sorry" With Full-Body, Pinstripe Tattoo Mets Owner to Marry - Knicks Owner! Travis Henry Rushes To Spitzer's Side Mariah Carey Turns Down Offer From Kansas City Royals Carmelo: Google's SportsApologies Widget Works Great! Read All the News!		McCourt divorce prompts Torre to quit Wizard of Oz remake Scott Boras retreats to NewportBeachistan Fake ad attempts to embarrass Roger Clemens, Mr. Bush Packer backer? 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