"Nobody wants to see anybody else play anyway."


New York – "Lose all the other players," one angry fan yelled at PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem after Tiger Woods’ eight-and-seven whacking of Stewart Cink in the Accenture World Match Play Championship at Dove Mt.  "Who needs 'em?"

That got Finchem and CBS President Les Moonves thinking, and produced today's dramatic announcement: beginning with the Verizon Heritage, April 17-29, at Hilton Head, SC - the week after the Masters - Woods will play the remainder of the 2008 CBS Tour season alone. Literally. “We’ve dis-invited all the other golfers for the rest of the PGA tour events we're televising. No one wants to see anybody else anyway,” Moonves explained.

"We felt like we had to let everybody play the Masters before making the change," Finchem added. "It's kinda like a tradition."

 

Reactions to the stunning development were, expectedly, mixed.

 

 “This is bullsh*t! Finchem and Moonves are morons,” said the combative and intensely competitive Rory Sabbatini – no fan of Woods’. 

 

Finchem held out the possibility that as the season moves on the PGA may designate a single golfer to play against Woods, “just so he doesn’t get lonely.” Currently the leading candidate is former Tour player and current CBS television analyst David Feherty whose work load, without any other players to comment on, will open up.

 

“My wife says I need a good arse kicking anyway,” the affable Feherty said, “so I’m perfect for the gig.”

 

“I have to admit,” said Davis Love III, “I was looking forward to playing golf on television this year. But, on the positive side, I’ll get to spend more time with my wife and children.”

 

Tiger Woods reacted ecstatically to the plan. "Now I'll hardly ever have to run into that smiling doofus Mickelson and pretend to like him. That’s a very good thing."

 

For the remaining PGA players a new circuit, the “The CBS Tiger-less Tour,” will kick off immediately. “Now we’ll have two revenue streams,” Finchem added. “Everybody wins. Well, sort of.”