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Nets Leaving Jersey - Now!

Nov 7, 2007

Carbon Neutal Decision Backfires

East Rutherford, NJ – The New Jersey Nets, the first NBA team to attempt carbon neutrality, are immediately leaving the state for a yet-to-be-named more “environmentally friendly” location.  “We tried our best,” said a Net official, “but we couldn’t overcome people’s perception of our state. Let’s put it this way, if Tony Soprano never existed, we’d still be the Nets, The New Jersey Green Nets.”
 
From the day Nets principal owner Bruce Ratner announced the “green” program, a powerful lobby, representing the oil companies which line the Jersey Turnpike, has pounded home the point that the contractors responsible for the Nets waste and environmental cleanup are mob-affiliated and “cannot be trusted” with the “sacred trust that is carbon neutrality.”
 
The centerpiece of the lobby’s massive advertising campaign - “What would Tony do? Dump illegally!” – has caught the public’s attention, not to mention comedians’, across the state.  Pushback from The Italian Defamation League further exacerbated what the Net spokesman said had become a “toxic situation that made staying in New Jersey impossible.”
 
“We need to start fresh and clean,” said Ratner, who simultaneously announced that the proposed Net’s move to Brooklyn would be “terminated” because the “same problems would pop up in there.”
 
Ratner indicated that Regina, the capital of Canada’s Saskatchewan province, and Espoo, Finland’s second largest city, were the leading candidates to become the next home of the “Green Nets.”

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