Fat Stem Cells Saved My Bacon, Says Colon * "I had extra," says Yanks Bartolo

Fat Stem Cells Saved My Bacon, Says Colon

May 31, 2011

NEW YORK - Yankee pitcher Bartolo Colon defended controversial off-season surgery which included harvesting surplus fat stem cells and injecting them into his elbow and shoulder to speed healing.

"Being porky saved my career," said the rotund right-hander, a leading candidate for MLB Comeback Player of the Year. "Doctors said they'd never seen so many fat stem cells in one person."

Yankee manager Joe Girardi, a workout devotee, called the surgery, a "win win. Bart's throwing smoke and he's less unsightly."

In a related story, amateur theologian Harold Egbert Camping said Colon's "Godless surgery" indicated that the end of the world was back on, probably for Thursday afternoon.

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<< Back Fat Stem Cells Saved My Bacon, Says Colon May 31, 2011 NEW YORK - Yankee pitcher Bartolo Colon defended controversial off-season surgery which included harvesting surplus fat stem cells and injecting them into his elbow and shoulder to speed healing. "Being porky saved my career," said the rotund right-hander, a leading candidate for MLB Comeback Player of the Year. "Doctors said they'd never seen so many fat stem cells in one person." Yankee manager Joe Girardi, a workout devotee, called the surgery, a "win win. Bart's throwing smoke and he's less unsightly." In a related story, amateur theologian Harold Egbert Camping said Colon's "Godless surgery" indicated that the end of the world was back on, probably for Thursday afternoon. << Back Respond to this article \| Email this article to a friend \| Reader Responses No responses for this article Elvis's Masters' classic: "In The Bunker" Michael Phelps for The Clean Bong Water Foundation In what some are saying could be a poignant end to a once promising second career, eTrueSports has learned that the Alaska Ass Clowns of the fledgling American Caucasian Basketball League have ended negotiations with Sarah Palin to become the team's new mascot Barky. "Our focus group said she'd scare children," explained an Ass Clowns' spokesman. Sources close to Kobe Bryant have told eTrueSports the athlete/comedian will star in a remake of the 1997 TV movie "Mother Knows Best." Ironically, negotations with his own mother to play herself "have not gone well." Liberty University has added ESPN basketball analyst Chris Broussard as a commencement speaker, eTrueSports has learned. "The world needs more black bigots," said a spokesman for the evangelical Christian school of higher learning. Los Angeles Lakers' center Dwight Howard has been rushed to Children's Hospital where he was diagnosed with Early-Onset Megalomania. "This is a real wake-up call," Howard told eTrueSports. "I need to concentrate 100% on myself to get better." TMZ is reporting that the Grizzlies' Zach Randolph touched the rim at 3:42 of the 3rd quarter in Tuesday's 88-84 victory over the Thunder. “Karma’s a bitch," said a spokesman for the American Buddhist Society commenting on Tiger Woods' DQ-less loss at The Masters. The case against the crowd outside Pauley Pavilion who demanded the return of fired basketball coach Ben Howland has been dropped by the LAPD. "Both of them are good kids," spokesman told eTrueSports. "They just made a dumb mistake." The National Transportation Safety Board investigation into ex-UCLA basketball coach Ben Howland's offense as source of drowsiness blamed for a rash of campus pedestrian collisions has been suspended. "The Westwood nightmare is over," said an NTSB spokesman. After selling the naming rights to their football building - now Geo Group Stadium - to a private prison company, Florida Atlantic University denied the "The Perps" (formerly "The Owls") would compete in black and white striped uniforms. "That would be tacky," explained FAU President Mary Jane Saunders. Heard any good rumors? Email the publisher! Most Popular Stories A-Rod Says "Sorry" With Full-Body, Pinstripe Tattoo Mets Owner to Marry - Knicks Owner! Travis Henry Rushes To Spitzer's Side Mariah Carey Turns Down Offer From Kansas City Royals Carmelo: Google's SportsApologies Widget Works Great! Read All the News!		Rare photo of golfer Bubba Watson thinking Drug scandal PR dream for A-Rod's new cereal FIFA logo could be controversial MLB's latest scandal: Pie? Cubs new logo a sure winner
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