Mr. Ramirez Goes To Washington * New HHS Sec Will Focus on Fatigue, Personality Disorders

Mr. Ramirez Goes To Washington

Feb 4, 2009

Will Focus On Fatigue, Personality Disorders

Recommends Poaching Salmonella

Newport Beach, CA – In a stunning development for the world of politics and baseball, outfielder Manny Ramirez revealed he will be named President Barack Obama's new candidate as Secretary of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

"I get tired a lot," said Ramirez, "so I understand the importance of health. And I ain’t got a job anyway."

Ramirez revealed that his first act as HHS Secretary would be to rescind the current peanut recall. “I like peanuts,” explained Ramirez, “who doesn’t?

“And what’s with all this Salmonella business? I enjoy mine poached. Italian sauce overpowers the subtle flavors.”

Ramirez just rejected the Los Angeles Dodgers' one-year, $25 million offer to return to the team. The deal would have made Ramirez the second highest-paid player in Major League Baseball behind the Yankees' Alex Rodriguez.

“The United States made us a real offer” said Ramirez’s low-key agent, Scott Boras, who had characterized the Dodger's proposal as a "suggestion."

"I thought I felt bad yesterday," said former Senator Tom Daschle, who withdrew on Tuesday as a candidate for HHS Secretary.

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Reader Responses

Feb 8, 2009 2:36 PM

Will

So, Manny just turned down a contract that would have paid him $50,000 per at bat. So, he doesn't run out every ground ball. So, he has never given his Washington Heights High School a dime, or even visited. He's a great hitter. Get off his back!

Elvis's Masters' classic: "In The Bunker"

Michael Phelps for The Clean Bong Water Foundation

In what some are saying could be a poignant end to a once promising second career, eTrueSports has learned that the Alaska Ass Clowns of the fledgling American Caucasian Basketball League have ended negotiations with Sarah Palin to become the team's new mascot Barky. "Our focus group said she'd scare children," explained an Ass Clowns' spokesman.

Sources close to Kobe Bryant have told eTrueSports the athlete/comedian will star in a remake of the 1997 TV movie "Mother Knows Best." Ironically, negotations with his own mother to play herself "have not gone well."

Liberty University has added ESPN basketball analyst Chris Broussard as a commencement speaker, eTrueSports has learned. "The world needs more black bigots," said a spokesman for the evangelical Christian school of higher learning.

Los Angeles Lakers' center Dwight Howard has been rushed to Children's Hospital where he was diagnosed with Early-Onset Megalomania. "This is a real wake-up call," Howard told eTrueSports. "I need to concentrate 100% on myself to get better."

TMZ is reporting that the Grizzlies' Zach Randolph touched the rim at 3:42 of the 3rd quarter in Tuesday's 88-84 victory over the Thunder.

“Karma’s a bitch," said a spokesman for the American Buddhist Society commenting on Tiger Woods' DQ-less loss at The Masters.

The case against the crowd outside Pauley Pavilion who demanded the return of fired basketball coach Ben Howland has been dropped by the LAPD. "Both of them are good kids," spokesman told eTrueSports. "They just made a dumb mistake."

The National Transportation Safety Board investigation into ex-UCLA basketball coach Ben Howland's offense as source of drowsiness blamed for a rash of campus pedestrian collisions has been suspended. "The Westwood nightmare is over," said an NTSB spokesman.

After selling the naming rights to their football building - now Geo Group Stadium - to a private prison company, Florida Atlantic University denied the "The Perps" (formerly "The Owls") would compete in black and white striped uniforms. "That would be tacky," explained FAU President Mary Jane Saunders.

Heard any good rumors?
Email the publisher!

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<< Back Mr. Ramirez Goes To Washington Feb 4, 2009 Will Focus On Fatigue, Personality Disorders Recommends Poaching Salmonella Newport Beach, CA – In a stunning development for the world of politics and baseball, outfielder Manny Ramirez revealed he will be named President Barack Obama's new candidate as Secretary of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. "I get tired a lot," said Ramirez, "so I understand the importance of health. And I ain’t got a job anyway." Ramirez revealed that his first act as HHS Secretary would be to rescind the current peanut recall. “I like peanuts,” explained Ramirez, “who doesn’t? “And what’s with all this Salmonella business? I enjoy mine poached. Italian sauce overpowers the subtle flavors.” Ramirez just rejected the Los Angeles Dodgers' one-year, $25 million offer to return to the team. The deal would have made Ramirez the second highest-paid player in Major League Baseball behind the Yankees' Alex Rodriguez. “The United States made us a real offer” said Ramirez’s low-key agent, Scott Boras, who had characterized the Dodger's proposal as a "suggestion." "I thought I felt bad yesterday," said former Senator Tom Daschle, who withdrew on Tuesday as a candidate for HHS Secretary. << Back Respond to this article \| Email this article to a friend \| Reader Responses Feb 8, 2009 2:36 PM Will So, Manny just turned down a contract that would have paid him $50,000 per at bat. So, he doesn't run out every ground ball. So, he has never given his Washington Heights High School a dime, or even visited. He's a great hitter. Get off his back! Elvis's Masters' classic: "In The Bunker" Michael Phelps for The Clean Bong Water Foundation In what some are saying could be a poignant end to a once promising second career, eTrueSports has learned that the Alaska Ass Clowns of the fledgling American Caucasian Basketball League have ended negotiations with Sarah Palin to become the team's new mascot Barky. "Our focus group said she'd scare children," explained an Ass Clowns' spokesman. Sources close to Kobe Bryant have told eTrueSports the athlete/comedian will star in a remake of the 1997 TV movie "Mother Knows Best." Ironically, negotations with his own mother to play herself "have not gone well." Liberty University has added ESPN basketball analyst Chris Broussard as a commencement speaker, eTrueSports has learned. "The world needs more black bigots," said a spokesman for the evangelical Christian school of higher learning. Los Angeles Lakers' center Dwight Howard has been rushed to Children's Hospital where he was diagnosed with Early-Onset Megalomania. "This is a real wake-up call," Howard told eTrueSports. "I need to concentrate 100% on myself to get better." TMZ is reporting that the Grizzlies' Zach Randolph touched the rim at 3:42 of the 3rd quarter in Tuesday's 88-84 victory over the Thunder. “Karma’s a bitch," said a spokesman for the American Buddhist Society commenting on Tiger Woods' DQ-less loss at The Masters. The case against the crowd outside Pauley Pavilion who demanded the return of fired basketball coach Ben Howland has been dropped by the LAPD. "Both of them are good kids," spokesman told eTrueSports. "They just made a dumb mistake." The National Transportation Safety Board investigation into ex-UCLA basketball coach Ben Howland's offense as source of drowsiness blamed for a rash of campus pedestrian collisions has been suspended. "The Westwood nightmare is over," said an NTSB spokesman. After selling the naming rights to their football building - now Geo Group Stadium - to a private prison company, Florida Atlantic University denied the "The Perps" (formerly "The Owls") would compete in black and white striped uniforms. "That would be tacky," explained FAU President Mary Jane Saunders. Heard any good rumors? Email the publisher! Most Popular Stories A-Rod Says "Sorry" With Full-Body, Pinstripe Tattoo Mets Owner to Marry - Knicks Owner! Travis Henry Rushes To Spitzer's Side Mariah Carey Turns Down Offer From Kansas City Royals Carmelo: Google's SportsApologies Widget Works Great! Read All the News!		Rare photo of golfer Bubba Watson thinking Drug scandal PR dream for A-Rod's new cereal FIFA logo could be controversial MLB's latest scandal: Pie? Cubs new logo a sure winner
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