Mr. Ramirez Goes To Washington * New HHS Sec Will Focus on Fatigue, Personality Disorders

Mr. Ramirez Goes To Washington

Feb 4, 2009

Will Focus On Fatigue, Personality Disorders

Recommends Poaching Salmonella

Newport Beach, CA – In a stunning development for the world of politics and baseball, outfielder Manny Ramirez revealed he will be named President Barack Obama's new candidate as Secretary of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

"I get tired a lot," said Ramirez, "so I understand the importance of health. And I ain’t got a job anyway."

Ramirez revealed that his first act as HHS Secretary would be to rescind the current peanut recall. “I like peanuts,” explained Ramirez, “who doesn’t?

“And what’s with all this Salmonella business? I enjoy mine poached. Italian sauce overpowers the subtle flavors.”

Ramirez just rejected the Los Angeles Dodgers' one-year, $25 million offer to return to the team. The deal would have made Ramirez the second highest-paid player in Major League Baseball behind the Yankees' Alex Rodriguez.

“The United States made us a real offer” said Ramirez’s low-key agent, Scott Boras, who had characterized the Dodger's proposal as a "suggestion."

"I thought I felt bad yesterday," said former Senator Tom Daschle, who withdrew on Tuesday as a candidate for HHS Secretary.

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Reader Responses

Feb 8, 2009 2:36 PM

Will

So, Manny just turned down a contract that would have paid him $50,000 per at bat. So, he doesn't run out every ground ball. So, he has never given his Washington Heights High School a dime, or even visited. He's a great hitter. Get off his back!

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"I'll never buy another Impala SS," announced an angry Sarah Palin, after learning Chevron had unexpectedly cancelled its sponsorship of Alaska's Iditarod race.

eTrueSports has learned former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich will not be rehired as a part-time mascot for the Toledo Mud Hens. “He scared the younger fans,” said a source close to the Mud Hens.

A month after celebrating his 34th birthday, Tiger Woods reported mail theft to the Windermere, FL police because he had not received birthday cards from any of his friends.

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No snow job. eTrueSports has learned the Vancouver Organzing Committee has moved the men's and women's alpine events to North Carolina's Smokey Mountains.

With the NCAA Basketball Tournament a month away, the UConn Huskies women’s team has quietly dropped an exhibition game against the New Jersey Nets. “Teams play to the level of their competition,” explained coach Geno Auriemma.

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Email the publisher!

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<< Back Mr. Ramirez Goes To Washington Feb 4, 2009 Will Focus On Fatigue, Personality Disorders Recommends Poaching Salmonella Newport Beach, CA – In a stunning development for the world of politics and baseball, outfielder Manny Ramirez revealed he will be named President Barack Obama's new candidate as Secretary of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. "I get tired a lot," said Ramirez, "so I understand the importance of health. And I ain’t got a job anyway." Ramirez revealed that his first act as HHS Secretary would be to rescind the current peanut recall. “I like peanuts,” explained Ramirez, “who doesn’t? “And what’s with all this Salmonella business? I enjoy mine poached. Italian sauce overpowers the subtle flavors.” Ramirez just rejected the Los Angeles Dodgers' one-year, $25 million offer to return to the team. The deal would have made Ramirez the second highest-paid player in Major League Baseball behind the Yankees' Alex Rodriguez. “The United States made us a real offer” said Ramirez’s low-key agent, Scott Boras, who had characterized the Dodger's proposal as a "suggestion." "I thought I felt bad yesterday," said former Senator Tom Daschle, who withdrew on Tuesday as a candidate for HHS Secretary. << Back Respond to this article \| Email this article to a friend Reader Responses Feb 8, 2009 2:36 PM Will So, Manny just turned down a contract that would have paid him $50,000 per at bat. So, he doesn't run out every ground ball. So, he has never given his Washington Heights High School a dime, or even visited. He's a great hitter. Get off his back! Did A Woman Play For The Senators? Brett Favre's Lost 2008 Jets Promotional Music Video After learning that Red Bull is an official sponsor of the U.S. Olympic Committee, political activist and author Sarah Palin is demanding President Obama immediately oust “all commies” from the United States Olympic Committee. “I wish I’d just beaten the shit out of them,” said a wistful Jets coach Rex Ryan after learning he had been fined $50,000 for a caught-on-video obscene gesture towards fans at an MMA event. BREAKING NEWS: Craig James mediation settlement: Coach Mike Leach will promise not to lock concussed football players in dark rooms; Texas Tech school officials will admit they are gutless weenies. "I'll never buy another Impala SS," announced an angry Sarah Palin, after learning Chevron had unexpectedly cancelled its sponsorship of Alaska's Iditarod race. eTrueSports has learned former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich will not be rehired as a part-time mascot for the Toledo Mud Hens. “He scared the younger fans,” said a source close to the Mud Hens. A month after celebrating his 34th birthday, Tiger Woods reported mail theft to the Windermere, FL police because he had not received birthday cards from any of his friends. Fox Sports announced American Idle, a new primetime reality show featuring bench warmers from a variety of professional sports competing to see who has contributed the least to their team. Lakers’ Adam Morrison is set to host. No snow job. eTrueSports has learned the Vancouver Organzing Committee has moved the men's and women's alpine events to North Carolina's Smokey Mountains. With the NCAA Basketball Tournament a month away, the UConn Huskies women’s team has quietly dropped an exhibition game against the New Jersey Nets. “Teams play to the level of their competition,” explained coach Geno Auriemma. Heard any good rumors? Email the publisher! eTrueSports Columnist Frank Coffey Top Eleven NHL Marketing Suggestions For The PGA eTrueSports Columnist Thomas Dolt Kobe Bryant's iPod Playlist eTrueSports Columnist Downs MacRury The Boras Files eTrueSports Columnist Ray Dougela Golf The Way It Oughta Be eTrueSports Columnist Burke Terry Baseball’s All-Time Business Name Team eTrueSports Columnist Chris Simmons The Chris Simmons "Inner-View": Jose Canseco eTrueSports Columnist Bookie Mom The N.B.A. – A League of Corruption Just a Phone Call Away Most Popular Stories A-Rod Says "Sorry" With Full-Body, Pinstripe Tattoo Mets Owner to Marry - Knicks Owner! Travis Henry Rushes To Spitzer's Side Mariah Carey Turns Down Offer From Kansas City Royals Carmelo: Google's SportsApologies Widget Works Great! Read All the News!		Who Will Be This Season's Hero? Knicks' Latest LeBron James Pitch Unveiled Mark McGwire. Next. Up. Starring Sarah Palin, Directed by Sarah Palin, Sorta written by Cubs New Logo Unveiled
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