eTrueSports Logo Saturday, February 6th, 2016
 
<< Back

Mr. Ramirez Goes To Washington

Feb 4, 2009

















Will Focus On Fatigue, Personality Disorders
 
Recommends Poaching Salmonella
 
Newport Beach, CA – In a stunning development for the world of politics and baseball, outfielder Manny Ramirez revealed he will be named President Barack Obama's new candidate as Secretary of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
 
"I get tired a lot," said Ramirez, "so I understand the importance of health. And I ain’t got a job anyway."
 
Ramirez revealed that his first act as HHS Secretary would be to rescind the current peanut recall. “I like peanuts,” explained Ramirez, “who doesn’t?
 
“And what’s with all this Salmonella business? I enjoy mine poached. Italian sauce overpowers the subtle flavors.”
 
Ramirez just rejected the Los Angeles Dodgers' one-year, $25 million offer to return to the team. The deal would have made Ramirez the second highest-paid player in Major League Baseball behind the Yankees' Alex Rodriguez
 
“The United States made us a real offer” said Ramirez’s low-key agent, Scott Boras, who had characterized the Dodger's proposal as a "suggestion."
 
"I thought I felt bad yesterday," said former Senator Tom Daschle, who withdrew on Tuesday as a candidate for HHS Secretary.

<< Back

Reader Responses
Feb 8, 2009 2:36 PM
Will
So, Manny just turned down a contract that would have paid him $50,000 per at bat. So, he doesn't run out every ground ball. So, he has never given his  Washington Heights High School a dime, or even visited. He's a great hitter. Get off his back!
  • Donald J. Trump calls for MMA cage fighting to replace baseball as US's National Pastime. "It's as vulgar and ugly as I am," praised the former reality TV star.
  • Papa John's "cheap shitty pizza a disgrace to America," says Al-Jazerra TV responding to criticism from the pie company's spokesman Peyton Manning.
  • Goodyear has offered Chris Christie $1 million for digital naming rights to the NJ governor's stomach. "Blimp them," said Christie.
  • Irate Papa John's exec Peyton Manning denies chain adds HGH to pizzas: "Total garbage. Everyone knows that stuff makes you nauseous."
  • A crowd supporting the Kings' Rajon Rondo was broken up by Sacramento police today. "Neither of 'em had their hearts in it," officer says.
  • In rare public statement Alcoholics Anonymous calls former USC coach Steve Sarkasian a "weasel and phony who wouldn't know a Step from a stoop;" narcissist is first person in U.S. history banned from AA meetings.
  • BREAKING: Trump bars delivery of all Middle Eastern food from NY's Trump Tower. "Today's falafel eater is tomorrow's terrorist," Trump said.
  • After calling liberals "concussion alarmists" Flat Earth Society withdraws speaking invite to ESPN's Danny Kanell. "We can't afford to be embarrassed," said FES spokesman.
  • Supreme Court judge Antonin Scalia clarifies recent remarks: "Ok for negroes" to attend top schools if they can run 100 yard dash in under 11 seconds.
  • Heard any good rumors?
    Email the publisher!