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Mr. Ramirez Goes To Washington

Feb 4, 2009

Will Focus On Fatigue, Personality Disorders
Recommends Poaching Salmonella
Newport Beach, CA – In a stunning development for the world of politics and baseball, outfielder Manny Ramirez revealed he will be named President Barack Obama's new candidate as Secretary of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
"I get tired a lot," said Ramirez, "so I understand the importance of health. And I ain’t got a job anyway."
Ramirez revealed that his first act as HHS Secretary would be to rescind the current peanut recall. “I like peanuts,” explained Ramirez, “who doesn’t?
“And what’s with all this Salmonella business? I enjoy mine poached. Italian sauce overpowers the subtle flavors.”
Ramirez just rejected the Los Angeles Dodgers' one-year, $25 million offer to return to the team. The deal would have made Ramirez the second highest-paid player in Major League Baseball behind the Yankees' Alex Rodriguez
“The United States made us a real offer” said Ramirez’s low-key agent, Scott Boras, who had characterized the Dodger's proposal as a "suggestion."
"I thought I felt bad yesterday," said former Senator Tom Daschle, who withdrew on Tuesday as a candidate for HHS Secretary.

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Reader Responses
Feb 8, 2009 2:36 PM
So, Manny just turned down a contract that would have paid him $50,000 per at bat. So, he doesn't run out every ground ball. So, he has never given his  Washington Heights High School a dime, or even visited. He's a great hitter. Get off his back!
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