eTrueSports Logo Thursday, April 24th, 2014
 
<< Back

Mr. Ramirez Goes To Washington

Feb 4, 2009

















Will Focus On Fatigue, Personality Disorders
 
Recommends Poaching Salmonella
 
Newport Beach, CA – In a stunning development for the world of politics and baseball, outfielder Manny Ramirez revealed he will be named President Barack Obama's new candidate as Secretary of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
 
"I get tired a lot," said Ramirez, "so I understand the importance of health. And I ain’t got a job anyway."
 
Ramirez revealed that his first act as HHS Secretary would be to rescind the current peanut recall. “I like peanuts,” explained Ramirez, “who doesn’t?
 
“And what’s with all this Salmonella business? I enjoy mine poached. Italian sauce overpowers the subtle flavors.”
 
Ramirez just rejected the Los Angeles Dodgers' one-year, $25 million offer to return to the team. The deal would have made Ramirez the second highest-paid player in Major League Baseball behind the Yankees' Alex Rodriguez
 
“The United States made us a real offer” said Ramirez’s low-key agent, Scott Boras, who had characterized the Dodger's proposal as a "suggestion."
 
"I thought I felt bad yesterday," said former Senator Tom Daschle, who withdrew on Tuesday as a candidate for HHS Secretary.

<< Back

Reader Responses
Feb 8, 2009 2:36 PM
Will
So, Manny just turned down a contract that would have paid him $50,000 per at bat. So, he doesn't run out every ground ball. So, he has never given his  Washington Heights High School a dime, or even visited. He's a great hitter. Get off his back!
  • Sources close to the Red Sox say due to a scheduling conflict, former pitcher Bill Lee will not throw out the first ball against the Orioles on Sunday, April 20th. "Somebody spaced out," one longtime Sox observer told eTrueSports.
  • Oklahoma center Kendrick Perkins touched the rim late in the 2nd quarter of the Thunder's OT loss to Memphis on Monday, eTrueSports has learned.
  • Papa John's Pizza pitchman Jim Nantz has taken the lead in the Annual Worst Actor In A Commercial Award, eTrueSports has learned. "Truly embarrassing," a longtime Madison Ave. executive said, who called the currently airing national spot "as cheap and crappy as the pizza."
  • Tigers' star Miguel Cabrera announced he will use a portion of his $248 million contract extension to purchase Detroit. "Good write-off," said Cabrera.
  • "Karma's a bitch and she's got a long memory," a spokesman for the American Buddhist Club told eTrueSports about Tiger Woods' withdrawal from the 2014 Masters.
  • In another example of government-regulation-gone-wild, the FCC has ruled that at least one minute of broadcast time during each hour of Masters broadcasts be reserved for “non-erectile dysfunction” products.
  • A crowd outside WFAN studios supporting Mike Francesa was dispersed without incident by the NYPD late Friday afternoon. "Neither of them had their hearts in it," a patrolman told eTrueSports.
  • Knicks' owner James Dolan will finance and star in "Spawn of the Dead," described as a "horror film with comedic elements," eTrueSports has learned. The Mets Jeff Wilpon and Yankees' Hank Steinbrenner are reportedly considering co-starring roles.
  • A challenge overturned the Mets' GM Sandy Alderson's 'We're-a-90-victory team' assertion in the first pre-game use of MLB's new replay system. "Delusional and sad," said a source close to Commissioner Bud Selig.
  • Heard any good rumors?
    Email the publisher!