Pros And Cons * O.J. Named Commissioner of National Penitentiary League

Pros And Cons

Dec 8, 2008

O.J. Named Commissioner of National Penitentiary League

Simpson & NPL a “Perfect Fit”

Vick Will Lead Leavenworth Lugnuts; Fox Network Deal In Negotiation

Las Vegas – Just because you’re a convict, doesn’t mean you have to be on the sideline. O.J. Simpson, for example, has just been named the first Commissioner of the National Penitentiary League (NPL), a joint venture with Jerry Jones, owner of The Dallas Cowboys.

“I’m glad I’m finally in jail for the forseeable future because my dream has always been to pioneer a penitentiary football league,” said an upbeat Simpson.

“We call it Extreme Football. If you can play we don’t care what you did,” the Cowboys' Jones assured potential candidates in a recruiting letter sent to federal and state prisoners. “This ain't The Longest Yard. This ain't a movie."

But it will be a television show. Simpson and Jones are in final negotiations for a $4 billion broadcast deal with Fox Sports, which will market NPL to the growing gangbanger/computer programmer demographic.

The league's first franchise has been awarded to Michael Vick and the Leavenworth Lugnuts. Maurice Clarett, former Ohio State All-American running back, is reportedly set to lead the Toledo Correctional Institute’s Slackjaws. Other franchises will include the Rikers Island Rage and the Alcatraz Attitude.

There has been widespread blogosphere conjecture that franchises will be granted "in absentia" to Pacman Jones and Tank Johnson, with the expectation that both players would nab Federal or State roster spots in the near future.

We’re hoping that Plaxico Burress will be available soon too,” Simpson added.

Not everyone was cheering.

Baltimore Ravens All-Pro linebacker Ray Lewis was despondent at the NPL announcement. “Hearing that the NPL is a reality - and not being a part of it -is bittersweet,” said a teary Lewis. “If life had taken a different turn, I could have been part of history. But I’ll get there some day,” vowed Lewis.

When former NBA ref Tim Donaghy - currently serving a 15-month term at Saufley Field Federal Prison Camp - heard about the NPL, he issued a statement volunteering to switch from basketball to football referring. “The NPL refs ought to be convicts too,” said Donaghy.

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Play Ball with Stop-Motion

Elvis Sings The Bunker Blues

After a rousing speech by Roger Clemens proclaiming his innocence to felony charges for lying to Congress, supporters in Katy, TX reported a flock of flying pigs rose from a nearby tree, circled the crowd and flew off into the sunset.

"However, this is a wakeup call," said Clemens after his perjury indictment. "I'm going to look closely at my lying."

Politico is reporting that former GOP House Majority Leader and fellow Texan Tom DeLay will advise Clemens, pro-bono, on how to employ smirking sanctimony to deny wrongdoing at his upcoming trial.

"We have enough potty-mouthed motherf..kers in the NFL," said NBC analyst Tony Dungy in blasting Jets' coach Rex Ryan for hiring former Jet Blue flight attendant Steven Slater as an Assistant Food Services Coach.

Responding to a tidal flow of fan protests over the "boring and stupid" New Meadowlands Stadium name, New Jersey officials announced the facility will be called "East Rutherford Just Off The Jersey Turnpike Field."

"It has nothing to do with Brad personally," commented Brett Favre about reports of a rift with Minnesota Viking's coach Brad Childress. "I just don't trust anyone who's bald and wears glasses."

World Extreme Cagefighting has applied to the International Olympic Committee to add cagefighting as an official event for the 2012 games in London.

"If he'd been my mother-in-law, none of this would have happened," said Francisco Rodriguez about the incident which resulted in his arrest for assaulting his father-in-law at Citi Field ... and a season-ending injury.

"My hand hurts," said Dustin Johnson after failing to write "I will not ground my club in bunkers anymore" 1,000 times on Whistling Straits' main blackboard. "He's 11 sentences short," said a PGA spokesman in announcing Johnson's immediate suspension. "Rules are rules."

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<< Back Pros And Cons Dec 8, 2008 O.J. Named Commissioner of National Penitentiary League Simpson & NPL a “Perfect Fit” Vick Will Lead Leavenworth Lugnuts; Fox Network Deal In Negotiation Las Vegas – Just because you’re a convict, doesn’t mean you have to be on the sideline. O.J. Simpson, for example, has just been named the first Commissioner of the National Penitentiary League (NPL), a joint venture with Jerry Jones, owner of The Dallas Cowboys. “I’m glad I’m finally in jail for the forseeable future because my dream has always been to pioneer a penitentiary football league,” said an upbeat Simpson. “We call it Extreme Football. If you can play we don’t care what you did,” the Cowboys' Jones assured potential candidates in a recruiting letter sent to federal and state prisoners. “This ain't The Longest Yard. This ain't a movie." But it will be a television show. Simpson and Jones are in final negotiations for a $4 billion broadcast deal with Fox Sports, which will market NPL to the growing gangbanger/computer programmer demographic. The league's first franchise has been awarded to Michael Vick and the Leavenworth Lugnuts. Maurice Clarett, former Ohio State All-American running back, is reportedly set to lead the Toledo Correctional Institute’s Slackjaws. Other franchises will include the Rikers Island Rage and the Alcatraz Attitude. There has been widespread blogosphere conjecture that franchises will be granted "in absentia" to Pacman Jones and Tank Johnson, with the expectation that both players would nab Federal or State roster spots in the near future. We’re hoping that Plaxico Burress will be available soon too,” Simpson added. Not everyone was cheering. Baltimore Ravens All-Pro linebacker Ray Lewis was despondent at the NPL announcement. “Hearing that the NPL is a reality - and not being a part of it -is bittersweet,” said a teary Lewis. “If life had taken a different turn, I could have been part of history. But I’ll get there some day,” vowed Lewis. When former NBA ref Tim Donaghy - currently serving a 15-month term at Saufley Field Federal Prison Camp - heard about the NPL, he issued a statement volunteering to switch from basketball to football referring. “The NPL refs ought to be convicts too,” said Donaghy. << Back Respond to this article \| Email this article to a friend Reader Responses No responses for this article Play Ball with Stop-Motion Elvis Sings The Bunker Blues After a rousing speech by Roger Clemens proclaiming his innocence to felony charges for lying to Congress, supporters in Katy, TX reported a flock of flying pigs rose from a nearby tree, circled the crowd and flew off into the sunset. "However, this is a wakeup call," said Clemens after his perjury indictment. "I'm going to look closely at my lying." Politico is reporting that former GOP House Majority Leader and fellow Texan Tom DeLay will advise Clemens, pro-bono, on how to employ smirking sanctimony to deny wrongdoing at his upcoming trial. "We have enough potty-mouthed motherf..kers in the NFL," said NBC analyst Tony Dungy in blasting Jets' coach Rex Ryan for hiring former Jet Blue flight attendant Steven Slater as an Assistant Food Services Coach. Responding to a tidal flow of fan protests over the "boring and stupid" New Meadowlands Stadium name, New Jersey officials announced the facility will be called "East Rutherford Just Off The Jersey Turnpike Field." "It has nothing to do with Brad personally," commented Brett Favre about reports of a rift with Minnesota Viking's coach Brad Childress. "I just don't trust anyone who's bald and wears glasses." World Extreme Cagefighting has applied to the International Olympic Committee to add cagefighting as an official event for the 2012 games in London. "If he'd been my mother-in-law, none of this would have happened," said Francisco Rodriguez about the incident which resulted in his arrest for assaulting his father-in-law at Citi Field ... and a season-ending injury. "My hand hurts," said Dustin Johnson after failing to write "I will not ground my club in bunkers anymore" 1,000 times on Whistling Straits' main blackboard. "He's 11 sentences short," said a PGA spokesman in announcing Johnson's immediate suspension. "Rules are rules." Heard any good rumors? 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