eTrueSports Logo Monday, May 4th, 2015
 
<< Back

Plaxico Burress Promises Not To Shoot Himself In The Head

Nov 29, 2008

“I Don’t Want To Waste Bullets” Says Giants WR

Coughlin: "Plax Has Really Grown Up This Year"
 
New York - NY Giants WR Plaxico Burress, fresh off a Friday night hospitalization for shooting himself in the thigh, denied that his next target would be his brain. “I don’t want to waste bullets,” said Burress.
 
“I am working my way up my body,” explained Burress, who so far this season has shot himself in the foot ($204,000 in fines) and the leg . “I think I’ll target an arm next, though I’m not sure which one yet. But, again, I pledge to leave my brain untouched.”
 
“Plaxico has really grown up this year,” commented Giants coach Tom Coughlin, “and whether it's bullet conservation or a better understanding of the importance of brain function, we applaud his decision not to shoot himself in the head.”
 
“Some people shouldn’t have guns,” observed Dallas Cowboys DB Pacman Jones, an avid hunter, “especially in crowded nightclubs.”
 
Burress led the Giants with 70 catches for 1,025 yards during the 2007 season, when he played most of the season games with an ankle injury, which, reportedly, was not the result of self-inflicted gun play. He also caught the winning touchdown pass in the final minute of the Giants’ 17-14 victory over the New England Patriots in last season’s Super Bowl.
 
Though Burress has been suspended, benched, barred, and fined during the current season, Friday’s event at Manhattan’s Latin Quarter was the first time he had been shot in 2008.

<< Back

Reader Responses
Nov 30, 2008 2:34 AM
MJ
Now I read that the police want to talk to him. He shot himself! Dammit, isn't this still America?
  • In addition to stiffing a "underage" 12-year schoolboy out of $20k for completing best NCAA bracket, financially troubled ESPN announced that cappuccino prices in Bristol CT employee cafeteria will rise to $9.95. Company also strongly advises parents of bracket winner Sam Holtz to take away boy's allowance and internet access across all platforms.
  • Check your bed for horse heads? "A man in my position can't afford to be made to look ridiculous," said the Knicks' James Dolan on being ranked by ESPN the worst NBA owner.
  • ESPN poll names James Dolan NBA's worst owner. "Karma's a bitch," observed former competitive golfer Tiger Woods.
  • Irate NCAA basketball fans crashed CBS Sports website Saturday night with thousands of e-mails calling for the firing of color commentator Len Elmore. "It's like being forced to have dinner with a grumpy uncle who hates every dish," said one message. "It makes you never want to eat again."
  • Basketball writer/analyst Seth Davis will become a full-time Burger King celebrity spokesperson when the NCAA tourney wraps. "Journalism is for saps," said Davis.
  • A.C. Neilson reports during Sunday's KU/Wichita St game CBS analyst Chris Webber was muted by 4.7 million fans, a network television record.
  • "This is quite a wakeup call," said Roger Clemens after agreeing to settle a defamation lawsuit his former trainer Brain McNamee filed in 2009. "I'm going to look very closely at the amount of lying I've been doing."
  • Mets withdraw offer to Donald Trump to be team's official mascot. "Some worrywart parents thought he'd scare young fans," says source.
  • Breaking: Lance Armstrong is set to star in Fox's new summer sitcom, "A Return To Gullible Island," and will sing the show's theme song, "A Three Hour Tour de France," eTrueSports has learned.
  • Heard any good rumors?
    Email the publisher!