“Why Not? We Suck” Says Owner William Clay Ford

 

New York – A solution to the embarrassment that is the 2008 Detroit Lions is at hand. Sources close to Commissioner Roger Goodell report that the NFL will replace the woeful (0-11) Lions with the undefeated (12-0) Ball State Cardinals.

 

The idea was floated by Detroit owner William Clay Ford earlier this week. “I figured ‘Why the hell not?’” said Ford, “we really suck.” Goodell made his decision after watching the 17^th ranked Cardinals defeat the two-time Mid-American Conference champion Central Michigan Chippewas 31-24 on Wednesday night.

 

The current Lions last game will be against Tampa Bay on Sunday. The “new” Lions, who take over on Sunday morning, face a daunting task in playing the 10-1 Tennessee Titans four days later on Thanksgiving.

 

“My mom is going to be really pissed I’m missing Turkey Day,” said Cardinal quarterback Nate Davis, “but this is way too cool to pass up.”

 

MAC Commissioner Rick Chryst angrily denounced the move. "What about their final league game against Western Michigan? What are we, turnips?”

 

Well, they’re in the tuber family, according to Cardinal coach Brady Hoke. “The MAC is small potatoes,” said Hoke, who described himself as pumped. “We’re going to the NFL!”

 

“Ball State is really sorry to lose the boys,” said University President Jo Ann M. Gora, “but there’s no way in the world I’m turning down $12.5 million to play five football games. We’re promising all the players degrees.”

 

Detroit, a team and a city in desperate need of positive publicity, will immediately benefit: The “new” Lions have been invited to appear on Late Night with David Letterman. The visit could be interesting, since Mr. Letterman, a Ball St. alumnus, is apparently upset that Lions' owner Ford is refusing to allow the nickname, The Fighting Lettermans, to follow the team to Detroit.

 

“Watch out,” said a source close to Letterman, “when Dave’s mad, he can be mean. Ask McCain.”

 

In a sidebar to the story, 37-year old backup Lion quarterback Jon Kitna approached a reporter and quietly asked: “Do you think they’ll at least let me try out?” The answer was not what Kitna wanted to hear.