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Starbucks Punts Seattle

Sep 15, 2008

“We Can’t Be Surrounded By Losers”
 
Seahawks Latest Collapse Last Straw
 
Seattle - Starbucks Corporation - a Seattle icon for over 35 years - has announced the company will relocate to a "winning city."
 
The surprising move – at first glance a reaction to another galling Seattle Seahawks loss, this time to the lowly San Francisco 49ers – is actually a reflection of a deeper problem that has been festering for years: the horrid performance of Seattle’s professional sports teams.

The three major Seattle sports teams have a recent history of abject failure, an issue for the intensely image-conscious Starbucks.
 
"We can't be surrounded by losers," said Howard Schultz, CEO of Starbucks. "I think the Sonics had it right. It's time to punt."
 
Upon learning that the Seahawks loss apparently played a part in Starbucks’ decision, a subdued coach Mike Holmgren defended his team: “Gee whiz, we had more total plays than the Niners.”
  
Recent Seattle sports' history hasn't been pretty. The NBA’s Supersonics were so bad the team skulked out of town (for the greener pastures of Oklahoma City where they will be known as “The Thunder”). The city’s NFL Seahawks look worse than the Miami Dolphins. And then there are the woeful Mariners, perennially the worst team in baseball. What did Schultz think of them? 
 
"The Mariners losing constitutes a watering down of the Starbucks experience,” Schultz wrote last year in an infamous internal memo which, inevitably, ended up on the Internet - and presaged today’s shocking announcement.
 
“Starbucks current struggles are well known,” said Schultz today, “we can’t deal with the negativity around here anymore.”
 
Starbucks has formed a search committee to identify “winning cities” for relocation; sources tell eTrueSports the short list consists of Boston and New York.

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