LA Gridlock Extends to Gridiron

by Special Correspondent Ray Dougela

 

Los Angeles – Whoops (and we don’t mean Whoopi). Someone at USC‘s Department of Athletics needs to take a remedial math course. It seems the AD’s office mistakenly distributed 2,000 sideline passes to celebrities for Saturday’s game between top-ranked USC and fifth-ranked Ohio State, leaving no room on the bench for the team.

 

“I told them 150 to 200 passes,” said Pete Carroll. “Some idiot at the office added a zero. Sure, it’s an honest mistake, but what are we going to do now? My players get tired and like to sit down.”

 

Carroll theorized that he might have the offensive and defensive teams run back and forth from the locker room between plays, though he was concerned about “fatigue and confusion” resulting.

 

“It sucks, but we sure can’t rescind the sideline passes. Denzel and Jamie would never forgive us. This is LA after all, we know which side our bread is buttered on.”

 

When told of the snafu, Ohio State coach Jim Tressel laughed heartily, prompting star running back Beanie Wells to observe, “I’ve never even seen him smile. Next thing you know T-man will be doing standup. Only in LA!”

 

ESPN commentator and former Ohio State quarterback Kirk Herbstreit rejoiced at the bench-less news. “This is a huge advantage for the Buckeyes. Unless they get caught up gawking at Will Ferrell, Snoop and Paris Hilton, who I hear is a passionate USC football fan.”

 

“I guess we’re just lucky we don’t have any celebrities,” said Tressel. “Unless you count Drew Carey. And we’ll gladly give him a pass. All he has to do is ask.”