Stern Rules * NBA Commissioner will referee rest of NBA Finals

Stern Rules

Jun 12, 2008

NBA Commissioner will officiate rest of NBA Finals

“Even though I’m chubby and old, I’m confident I’ll do an excellent job”

New York – In an unprecedented decision for a commissioner of any sport, the NBA’s David Stern has decided to join the officiating crew for the remainder of the NBA Finals.

“The NBA’s very existence is being challenged,” said Stern, regarding statements made by ex-official – and convicted felon – Tim Donaghy alleging referee involvement in the fixing of playoff games in 2002 and 2005.

“Even though I’m chubby and old,” Stern added, “I’m confident I’ll do an excellent job.”

Reactions to Stern’s decisions were mixed.

“You gotta be kidding me,” said veteran referee Steve Javie when informed that he’d be sharing the court with Stern. “What does he know about basketball?”

Both coaches immediately and lavishly praised the Commissioner. “Gandhi-esque in his wisdom,” said the Lakers’ Phil Jackson. “A humanitarian for the ages,” offered the Celtics Doc Rivers.

“He reminds me of me,” said television commentator Charles Barkley, “fat.”

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Play Ball with Stop-Motion

Elvis Sings The Bunker Blues

After a rousing speech by Roger Clemens proclaiming his innocence to felony charges for lying to Congress, supporters in Katy, TX reported a flock of flying pigs rose from a nearby tree, circled the crowd and flew off into the sunset.

"However, this is a wakeup call," said Clemens after his perjury indictment. "I'm going to look closely at my lying."

Politico is reporting that former GOP House Majority Leader and fellow Texan Tom DeLay will advise Clemens, pro-bono, on how to employ smirking sanctimony to deny wrongdoing at his upcoming trial.

"We have enough potty-mouthed motherf..kers in the NFL," said NBC analyst Tony Dungy in blasting Jets' coach Rex Ryan for hiring former Jet Blue flight attendant Steven Slater as an Assistant Food Services Coach.

Responding to a tidal flow of fan protests over the "boring and stupid" New Meadowlands Stadium name, New Jersey officials announced the facility will be called "East Rutherford Just Off The Jersey Turnpike Field."

"It has nothing to do with Brad personally," commented Brett Favre about reports of a rift with Minnesota Viking's coach Brad Childress. "I just don't trust anyone who's bald and wears glasses."

World Extreme Cagefighting has applied to the International Olympic Committee to add cagefighting as an official event for the 2012 games in London.

"If he'd been my mother-in-law, none of this would have happened," said Francisco Rodriguez about the incident which resulted in his arrest for assaulting his father-in-law at Citi Field ... and a season-ending injury.

"My hand hurts," said Dustin Johnson after failing to write "I will not ground my club in bunkers anymore" 1,000 times on Whistling Straits' main blackboard. "He's 11 sentences short," said a PGA spokesman in announcing Johnson's immediate suspension. "Rules are rules."

Heard any good rumors?
Email the publisher!

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	Thursday, September 2nd, 2010
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<< Back Stern Rules Jun 12, 2008 NBA Commissioner will officiate rest of NBA Finals “Even though I’m chubby and old, I’m confident I’ll do an excellent job” New York – In an unprecedented decision for a commissioner of any sport, the NBA’s David Stern has decided to join the officiating crew for the remainder of the NBA Finals. “The NBA’s very existence is being challenged,” said Stern, regarding statements made by ex-official – and convicted felon – Tim Donaghy alleging referee involvement in the fixing of playoff games in 2002 and 2005. “Even though I’m chubby and old,” Stern added, “I’m confident I’ll do an excellent job.” Reactions to Stern’s decisions were mixed. “You gotta be kidding me,” said veteran referee Steve Javie when informed that he’d be sharing the court with Stern. “What does he know about basketball?” Both coaches immediately and lavishly praised the Commissioner. “Gandhi-esque in his wisdom,” said the Lakers’ Phil Jackson. “A humanitarian for the ages,” offered the Celtics Doc Rivers. “He reminds me of me,” said television commentator Charles Barkley, “fat.” << Back Respond to this article \| Email this article to a friend Reader Responses No responses for this article Play Ball with Stop-Motion Elvis Sings The Bunker Blues After a rousing speech by Roger Clemens proclaiming his innocence to felony charges for lying to Congress, supporters in Katy, TX reported a flock of flying pigs rose from a nearby tree, circled the crowd and flew off into the sunset. "However, this is a wakeup call," said Clemens after his perjury indictment. "I'm going to look closely at my lying." Politico is reporting that former GOP House Majority Leader and fellow Texan Tom DeLay will advise Clemens, pro-bono, on how to employ smirking sanctimony to deny wrongdoing at his upcoming trial. "We have enough potty-mouthed motherf..kers in the NFL," said NBC analyst Tony Dungy in blasting Jets' coach Rex Ryan for hiring former Jet Blue flight attendant Steven Slater as an Assistant Food Services Coach. Responding to a tidal flow of fan protests over the "boring and stupid" New Meadowlands Stadium name, New Jersey officials announced the facility will be called "East Rutherford Just Off The Jersey Turnpike Field." "It has nothing to do with Brad personally," commented Brett Favre about reports of a rift with Minnesota Viking's coach Brad Childress. "I just don't trust anyone who's bald and wears glasses." World Extreme Cagefighting has applied to the International Olympic Committee to add cagefighting as an official event for the 2012 games in London. "If he'd been my mother-in-law, none of this would have happened," said Francisco Rodriguez about the incident which resulted in his arrest for assaulting his father-in-law at Citi Field ... and a season-ending injury. "My hand hurts," said Dustin Johnson after failing to write "I will not ground my club in bunkers anymore" 1,000 times on Whistling Straits' main blackboard. "He's 11 sentences short," said a PGA spokesman in announcing Johnson's immediate suspension. "Rules are rules." Heard any good rumors? Email the publisher! eTrueSports Columnist Frank Coffey Top Eleven NHL Marketing Suggestions For The PGA eTrueSports Columnist Thomas Dolt Kobe Bryant's iPod Playlist eTrueSports Columnist Downs MacRury The Boras Files eTrueSports Columnist Ray Dougela Golf The Way It Oughta Be eTrueSports Columnist Burke Terry Baseball’s All-Time Business Name Team eTrueSports Columnist Chris Simmons The Chris Simmons "Inner-View": Jose Canseco eTrueSports Columnist Bookie Mom The N.B.A. – A League of Corruption Just a Phone Call Away Most Popular Stories A-Rod Says "Sorry" With Full-Body, Pinstripe Tattoo Mets Owner to Marry - Knicks Owner! Travis Henry Rushes To Spitzer's Side Mariah Carey Turns Down Offer From Kansas City Royals Carmelo: Google's SportsApologies Widget Works Great! Read All the News!		McCourt divorce prompts Torre to quit Wizard of Oz remake "Not to worry, Strasberg check already cashed," says agent Fake ad attempts to embarrass Roger Clemens, Mr. Bush Packer backer? New movie hints at Favre return to Green Bay Cubs new logo may have played part in Piniella's retirement
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