Steinbrenner Blames "Commie Sox" for U.S. Fuel Crisis
May 27, 2008
Points Finger at Energy-Guzzling Fenway Park
Tampa, FL – New York Yankee’s senior vice-president Hank Steinbrenner yesterday blamed the "Commie" Boston Red Sox for the current American fuel crisis, calling Fenway Park an ”energy-guzzling horror show.
“Do you have any idea how much precious oil it costs to heat that dump?” Steinbrenner said. “Fenway’s a drafty, old rat-trap, there’s not a double-paned window in the joint for chrissakes.”
“No wonder America is running on empty. I don't understand how John Henry (the Red Sox owner) can sleep at night."
“If you ask me,” Steinbrenner went on, “this sort of irresponsible use of energy is a grave threat to our American democracy. Why don’t we just call them the Commie Sox, because that’s what they are.”
The Yankees are building a new ballpark that Steinbrenner proudly described as “carbon-neutral, with solar panels and lots of those green lightbulbs.”
"Gosh, I never thought about Fenway's environmental impact before," said Boston outfielder Manny Ramirez who downplayed Steinbrenner's "Commie Sox" comment, calling it "a bit hyperbolic, but I’m certain not a true reflection of Mr. Steinbrenner’s feelings.”
"Hank's a dingbat," said a spokesman for the Red Sox.
You're right. The new stadium is carbon neutral - it's made of concrete! There ain't a nanotube of carbon in that sucker.
SF Giants reliever Hunter Strickland will not be rehired as a mascot for the NBA's Atlanta Hawks, an off-season job the Georgia native has held for three years. "We're afraid he'll scare the younger fans,” a source told eTrueSports.
According to A.C. Neilsen, Fox analyst Harold Reynolds was muted 1,287,354 times during the sixth inning of World Series Game 2, a network television record.
Sources close to Condoleezza Rice deny that the incoming NFL Commissioner is pressuring Dan Snyder to change his team's name to the Washington Mushroom Clouds.
The American Birther Party has withdrawn an invitation to former Chicago Bear player and coach Mike Ditka to address their annual convention in Idaho. "We can't afford to be embarrassed," a Birther spokesman told eTrueSports.
In Dog Show news, Sarah Palin has called for the banning of Afghan Hounds from all U.S. competitions. "They're foreign," explained Palin.
"A dream come true," a source close to the Cleveland Indians told eTrueSports about the media attention focused on the Washington Redskins offensive nickname.
"Karma's a bitch and she's got a long memory," a spokesman for the American Buddhist Society told eTrueSports after learning that Tiger Woods failed to make the cut in the 2014 PGA Championship.
Amazon Publishing announced it will release Jason R. Kidd's "Integrity in Life, Work & Athletics," with a forward by Skip Bayless, in time for the opening of the NBA 2014-15 season. "It's a quick read," said an Amazon spokesman.
Jason Kidd reportedly told the Nets he had been diagnosed with early-onset megalomania, and needed "to concentrate 100% on myself to get better and richer."