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Fat Is Back! Red Sox/Yankee Weight Wars

Mar 8, 2008

"If the Yankees had a position for Shamu, they'd sign him!"

New York – Who's the fattest team in baseball?  According to an analysis of MLB rosters by, the New York Yankees opened spring training leading both leagues with a 217 lb average. The Yankees being number one did not sit well with the Red Sox who lurched into immediate action, signing the 280-pound pitcher Bartolo Colon, tipping the MLB weight scale in favor of the previously 25th ranked Bostonians.
“This is war,” proclaimed the Yankees' new boss,  Hank Steinbrenner, who quickly announced the signing of David Wells. “We won’t know exactly what David weighs until he reports, “said Steinbrenner, “but he’s fat, we know that. We expect to be at the top of the heap – where we belong – as soon as the big boy shows up.”
The Yankees have had a long history of corpulence, stretching from the Bambino to Steve Balboni, from Wells to Hideki Irabu – who Hank’s father infamously called “The Fat Toad” and who in turn was called “The Fat Man” by former Yankee third-baseman Graig Nettles.
Steinbrenner also pointed out what he called the “unfairness” of the ESPN analysis. “Why did ESPN omit management in the team weight evaluation? What? Owners aren’t part of their teams? That’s absurd. I’m fat,” Steinbrenner said, “John Henry's skinny. We should be counted.”

(In fact, Hank Steinbrenner is a man who can fairly be described as stout, whereas Boston owner Henry is on the lean side.)
Reports recently began surfacing that to round out the team, the Yankees were close to inking Milwaukee's plump Prince Fielder (son of the even plumper ex-Yank Cecil Fielder).
“If the Yankees could find a position for Shamu,” said one disgusted Red Sox executive who requested anonymity, “they’d do it. They’re shameless and I hate them.”

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Reader Responses
Mar 14, 2008 1:40 PM
lucid eye
Everybody just loves to make fun of chubby people. I can't wait for your headline the first time Bartolo gets lit up. "Colon Pounded Again."  You're a sick puppy.
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