eTrueSports Logo Thursday, May 28th, 2015
 
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New York (eTrueSports) - Stuffed Poulter? Chicken Calcavecchia? With the Masters about to begin, a Manhattan restaurant, Tavern on the Green Jacket has just released a new "Masters Menu" in which every dish "celebrates" a prominent golfer. Lawyers, ready engines. Read more...

Read this storyJesus Calls Mets' Daniel Murphy a "Doofus"
New York (eTrueSports) - In an exclusive interview with eTrueSports, Jesus Christ called the Mets' Daniel Murphy a "doofus" for his comments last month on former major leaguer Billy Bean's homosexuality, which included this bizarre beauty: "I do disagree with the fact that Billy is a homosexual." Read more...

Read this storySatire Website Closes For 24 Hrs to Protest April Fool's Day
LOS ANGELES - Breaking Story: a brusque internal memo from sports internet behemoth eTrueSports reveals the distinctly totalitarian workings of the supposedly benign satiric sports website. Troubling. Read more...

Read this storySterling Calls for NBA 'Caucasian Classic" in Testimony
Los Angeles, CA (eTrueSports) - Donald Sterling isn't through with crazy, not by a long three-pointer. During testimony today in a surreal court case involving his non-girl friend and his estranged/non-estranged wife, the former Clippers' owner, attempting to avoid questions about former gal pal V. Stiviano, bizarrely proposed the NBA add a second all-star game, The Caucasian Classic, to the NBA All Star Weekend. Read more...

Read this storyFCC To Ban Close-Ups of Coach K, Roy Williams
Washington (eTrueSports) - Following a torrent of complaints from outraged parents the FCC is reportedly set to ban TV close-ups of basketball coaches Roy Williams and Mike Krzyzewski during game broadcasts. Read more...

Read this storyTed Cruz Calls For Oil Drilling On U.S. Soccer Fields
Washington (eTrueSports) - After denouncing the World Cup as a foreign plot to infiltrate Americans' hearts and minds, Texas Senator and new Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz announced that he would immediately introduce legislation calling for oil drilling on all U.S. soccer fields, eTrueSports has learned. Read more...

Read this storyBracketology's Dark Side: Kindergarten Betting Gone Wild
TOLEDO, OH (eTrueSports) - Administrators at Hadley Lane Elementary School in Toledo reacted forcefully today after discovering that kindergarteners were "massively" involved in an NCAA men's basketball pool. According to sources, "thousands of bags of Skittles" are involved. Read more...

Recent User Comments

Yo responds to:
Will Deflated Balls Sack 'Belicheat'?
Looks like he's got his ballsack in a wringer!

Edgar responds to:
Roger Goodell Supporter Located in Pocatello
Memo to Goodell:  inauthentic doesn't work.

Jelly responds to:
Roger Goodell Supporter Located in Pocatello

Charles Goodell, NFL Commissioner Roger's Republican Senator father, took a courageous political stance against the Vietnam War which cost him his political career. Charles would not be proud.


Edgar responds to:
Brawling For Dollars: UFC Signs Sarah Palin
That's funny. And gawd help us all, it's also plausible.

Jelly responds to:
Brawling For Dollars: UFC Signs Sarah Palin
From an observer of the Palin conflagration:  "When the host of the party asked Bristol to leave, she "planted her feet, stood straight up, brought her arm back and cold-cocked him right in the face."   Dana, you listening?
  • ESPN poll names James Dolan NBA's worst owner. "Karma's a bitch," observed former competitive golfer Tiger Woods.
  • In addition to stiffing a "underage" 12-year schoolboy out of $20k for completing best NCAA bracket, financially troubled ESPN announced that cappuccino prices in Bristol CT employee cafeteria will rise to $9.95. Company also strongly advises parents of bracket winner Sam Holtz to take away boy's allowance and internet access across all platforms.
  • Check your bed for horse heads? "A man in my position can't afford to be made to look ridiculous," said the Knicks' James Dolan on being ranked by ESPN the worst NBA owner.
  • Breaking: Lance Armstrong is set to star in Fox's new summer sitcom, "A Return To Gullible Island," and will sing the show's theme song, "A Three Hour Tour de France," eTrueSports has learned.
  • "This is quite a wakeup call," said Roger Clemens after agreeing to settle a defamation lawsuit his former trainer Brain McNamee filed in 2009. "I'm going to look very closely at the amount of lying I've been doing."
  • Irate NCAA basketball fans crashed CBS Sports website Saturday night with thousands of e-mails calling for the firing of color commentator Len Elmore. "It's like being forced to have dinner with a grumpy uncle who hates every dish," said one message. "It makes you never want to eat again."
  • Mets withdraw offer to Donald Trump to be team's official mascot. "Some worrywart parents thought he'd scare young fans," says source.
  • Developing Story: Nation shocked that Ultimate Fighting is a drug-drenched brutal spectacle.
  • Ultimate Fighting in negotiations with PBS for children's show. "We think kids will love watching other kids kick one another in the face," said UFC president Dana White, "plus they'll learn about tattoos."
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